ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.