Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
These 19 Teachers Had Very Inappropriate Interactions With Students
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
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i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
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