there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
