I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
