Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Randomize
