so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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