Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
