i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
There's even glitter on my cock...
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