I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
