Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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