i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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