Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
