he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
