I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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