The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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