Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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