how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I just had sex on a roof
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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