Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Someone shattered a urinal.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Randomize
