i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
