a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Randomize
