what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
