i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
