she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
