youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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