Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
