I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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