I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
