sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Randomize
