im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Randomize
