Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
