I puked a lego.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
drinking out of a sandbucket again
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
