Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
