my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
ttyl tear gas
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
