I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
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Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
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Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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