I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
