I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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