I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
