I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
