every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
