she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize