How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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