When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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