I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Randomize
