He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
