Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
