I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Randomize
