we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
