i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
