I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
