Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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