If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
