For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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