She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
