Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
