Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
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DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
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I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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