I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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