Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
