sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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