My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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